Let’s face it. It’s a hard time to be growing up, and the data confirms it.
Bullying is fiercer. Peer pressure is tougher. teens are more aggressive (and at younger ages!).
Girls are meaner. Tougher temptations like drinking, sex, and drugs are hitting our teens at younger ages as well as those sticky-tricky situations like copying homework or letting a peer cheat on a test!
Of course we can’t always be there to stick up or speak up for our teens. Nor should we. After all, the more our teens see us as their rescuers, the more they learn to rely on us to solve their problems. The real parenting solution to helping our teens handle those tougher life issues in that sometimes-vicious social jungle is helping them learn how to be more assertive so they can speak up and defend themselves. And the sooner we do so the better.
Yes, our teens do have different temperaments and some are shyer and more sensitive. But the good news is that assertiveness is comprised of skills that can be taught. Here are seven ways to help your teen learn to be respectfully assertive from my book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.
Model assertiveness
Be the model you want your teen to copy. Don’t be meek. Stand up for your views even if they may not be unpopular.
Let your teens know that even though you might feel uncomfortable, you always feel it’s best to stand up for your rights or the rights of others.
Don’t expect your teen to be assertive if you’re not a model of assertiveness.
Be a democratic household
Hold kitchen table debates. Use family meetings. Listen to each teen (and that doesn’t mean you have to agree their views).
When teens know their opinions count, they are more likely to talk out and feel comfortable speaking up for themselves. The best place for your teen to learn to find his voice is in your home. Make sure that each of your teens has a chance to speak and be heard.
Do watch out for more domineering siblings who can squelch the voice of a shyer teen. Each teen needs to learn to defend him or herself and speak up!
Acknowledge assertiveness
Let your teen know you value people who speak their mind. Reinforce your teen’s assertiveness. “I like how you spoke up!” Reinforce those behaviors in your teen and let her know you honor her opinions. Then step back and let your teen find her voice and speak up for herself –without your rescue! If you always step in and defend your teen she won’t develop that inner confidence and may learn to rely on you! Step back!
Find less domineering friends
If your teen is a bit more timid and always hangs around a bossy playmate, provide him the opportunity to find a less domineering pal so he will be more likely to speak up and gain confidence. (Again, watch out for over-powering siblings as well). This doesn’t mean this has to be the only pal your teen hangs with, but he or she will be one buddy your teen can practice assertiveness on a more equal footing.
Provide early leadership opportunities
Research from Girl Scouts of America says teens say their confidence in speaking up and leading others dwindles by the fifth grade. teens also tell us they gain that confidence is by entering into activities, clubs, teambuilding, etc. and the earlier the better. So provide opportunities for your teen to be a member of a team, take charge of a project or lead others. You might also enroll your teen in public speaking or theatre to build confidence in speaking in front of others.
Teach C.A.L.M. Assertion
There are four steps I developed that help teens stand up and speak up for themselves or others I call it “CALM” (I’ve found acronyms really help teens). I’ve taught the model to teenren all over the world-Colombia, New Zealand, Finland, Hong Kong, Taipei, Canada, USA-and no matter where I go, teens say this helps. You must practice the skill with your teen over and over until he or she feels confident using it in the real world. Practice assertiveness (at any age!) can be empowering. So practice together.
teens also learn skills best if you SHOW not TELL. So model it. Point it out in others. And break each part of the four steps into a separate skill. Then teach each (C then A then L then M) until your teen can master all four elements.
Here are the four steps to C.A.L.M.-you might want to make it into a poster and put it on your fridge. Counselors and teachers put this on a wall. It is the first core skill that also helps teens be less likely to be bullied or victimized.
Teaching CALM Assertion
- C – Stay cool. Assertive teens are cool. Tell your teen, “If you get upset, ticked off, cry, pout you don’t appear as confident and a bully says ‘yes!’”
- A – Assert yourself. Teach your teen a few comeback lines say in different situations where he may need to assertive himself: “Cut it out.” “Stop it.” “That’s not right.” “You’re hurting her feelings.” “Because I don’t want to!” “Cool it!” A strong, short statement is all that is needed. Never insult back. Stick to the action you want to happen “Stop it.” One word can do it, “Enough!” End it with an exclamation point. Walk off.
- L – Look the person in the eye. teens have to “look” confident before they can be taken seriously. And the best way to appear more confident is by using eye contact. Just by looking the person in the eye you will appear more confident. You can teach even toddlers eye contact by making one rule in your home: “Always look at the color of the talker’s eyes!” For a shy teen, suggest he look between the person’s eyes – at the bridge of their nose. (The teen will not know the difference). I trained autistic teens to look through the person on the other side.
- M – Mean it. Teach your teen the difference between how a wimpy and a strong voice sound. Then encourage your teen to assert himself using a strong and firm –but not yelling tone–to get his point across.
Role-play assertive posture, assertive phrases and a firm-sounding tone over and over until your teen has the confidence to hold his own without you. And when he does, congratulations! You will have taught your teen one of the most critical skills that he will need to use in every arena of his life, not only now but forever.
Get more Parenting Solutions by following me on twitter @MicheleBorba or on my website, Dr. Michele Borba
Original article: http://www.micheleborba.com/blog/2013/05/14/7-parenting-solutions-for-raising-assertive-kids-who-can-speak-up-for-themselves/
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